I see a portrait of myself on him.

I never found a guy like him before. I mean it. But hey.. relax dude, this article won’t showing how desperately I am, fall into one wondeful guy and really want to be his girl. No. I guarantee you, this is just a piece of shit where me at this time–at this second, realized one similar thing between me and him.

Knowing him few months ago until now, I think I still have crush on him. I don’t know why. I just.. like him. Well, heart cannot choose who it’ll be fall into, right? So I decided to taking care of this feeling. I let it grow every single day. Even though my best mates telling me not to do so. Even though my mind telling me to give up. And even though he doesn’t know about it, it’s okay for me.

Because actually it has nothing to do with him. He’s just one of God’s nicest creature on earth. I won’t be able to hurt him. I’m just trying to challange myself : can I really love one person for a long time? Can I still love him if one day I know about his bad habits? Can I stop thinking of him everytime I stare out from window on my way back home? Can I always think about one same figure everytime I listen to my favourite love songs?

I really need to know : is it really love, or just a-simple-short-term-crush? Because I still don’t know the difference.

I do believe that love requires two people. I don’t have good records in love issues—or relationships if you wanna name it. There were some guys offering me true loves, but at last I prefer to be alone if that feeling is not coming from me first. I kinda hard to love them back, cause if I was trying to do so, maybe I would be the cruelest woman alive. But if I’m the one who did have the feeling first, in the other hand, the guys usually do not fall into girls like me. And, this kid is actually one of those guys.

Are you guys get it now, about what am I trying to say here?

I was about to end my feelings towards him. Until last night, he showed up in my dreams. He suddenly grabed my hand and took me dinner at the nearest restaurant—which I couldn’t recall where exactly it was. But that’s okay, that’s not the point. The point is, this is the first time I was dreaming about him since I had crush on him few months ago.

Suddenly I was like… Thank God! I never experienced this foolness for a long looongg time. I’m sure you had this kind of foolness when you fall in love to someone. Like my best friend, Ka Rap always says ‘jatuh cinta itu kampung’. We often do ridiculous things because of love, right? We are losing our appetite, we couldn’t sleep well and having weird dreams. Yeah, those things are happen, right? So I thank to God for this chance, at least now I believe that my heart still works anyway. Few years ago, my heart function was broken. Haha. I don’t wanna make a drama here but it’s true that I couldn’t detect emotions that time. My heart function was back to normal when I met him. So I think I must thank to him, even he do nothing with me, but I just wanna say thanks for let me experience those things again.

If you guys wonder about who he is, it’s not important. Here I tell you, he’s not that wonderful anyway. He’s just an ordinary kid. Actually he’s not my type anyway. I usually fall into guys like Armand Maulana, Tio Pakusadewo or even Alex Komang. I like guys who much older than me, not like this kid. This kid is just same age as me. Even though I don’t know him better, but I’m quite sure that we both have one similar thing :

He’s just a super-ignorant-kid that won’t care about another people’s feeling—just like me.

He didn’t reply my texts. Or when he did, he replied in the middle of the night. My God, ini mah gue bangeettt. I usually replied texts in the middle of the night, after my work is done. And the texts can be coming from everywhere: from my besties and even my family. But if it comes from my boss, of course I have to reply it soon (it’s exceptional. Haha).

This kid is not open to any suggestions. He will do what he thinks he must do, and don’t care about what people would feel about it. And even if he can’t reach a deal/promise with someone, he won’t please that guy/girl or even apologize. This attitude is similar to me, if I don’t reply your message it means that I’m not interested. I’m also sure that he doesn’t have any idea what future would like. He’s not sure of himself anyway. So I think he’s afraid to be close to anyone—just like me.

Given this situation, so I decided to end this feelings towards him. I cannot take one more step towards him. This story is actually simple, why do I take it so seriously? Well, I think it simply because this thing is important to me. Love requires two people. If the one still couldn’t match with the other one, so I’d rather be alone.

[Kebon Sirih. November 15th 2011]

[23.39 pm]


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