Have you guys experience LDR?

Yeah. It’s LDR : Long Distance Relationship, not Loan Deposit Ratio. Please keep that economic word for this time.

Some people told me that they couldn’t stand LDR. They said LDR would not last long. Many cases have proved that couples were finally broken up because they couldn’t stand the distance. Hmm.

Sometimes I feel the same. LDR makes my relationship with him is kinda like an illusion. It’s actually there. But we cannot see it. All I’m doing now is just always reminding myself that this relationship is really exist. I try to keep in mind that he is really right there, alone, dying to meet me.

Honey, I’m sorry if I’m not perfect. But I’m sure I’m suitable for you. I can feel that we’re actually matched for each other. And you do know me, honey. You know it’s easy to make me happy. Just send a message and say that you miss me, my lips would smile a long day. Just make one call and say hello, how are you babe, you know that would make me happy. My heart and my mind would okay in a sudden. In a minute, my feelings would fly away to the place where he belongs.

Some people told me for not being too honest to other people, including to him. But maybe this is one of my weaknesses. I’m so easy to trust people. When I told him honestly, that I actually mad at him, suddenly I can be okay when he told me the reason why he doing so. Then in a minute, my heart would melt again. Suddenly I forgot that I actually mad at him. Damn. Is it wrong to be honest? Yeah, maybe I’m wrong. Because I’m TOO honest. And being TOO honest really makes me feel so stupid. How come I can purely trust him 100% and say whatever to him 100% truth? Oh my God… Maybe those people are true. I cannot simply just being too honest to people.

But, if you were me, tell me what will you do if your boyfriend meets his ex, just four days before you finally could meet him? And remember, for my case, me and him separated by islands and sea. Four days again, I will finally see his face again. Can he just wait? But guess what, today he met his ex. Does he know that I’m here desperately keeping his love even this distance really drives me crazy? Does he realize how hard it is? But once again, when I finally heard his explanation, his reason why he doing so, suddenly I forgot everything. My heart would melt again. Like you always know, when I was mad, it never long lasting. It never last more than three days. Damn.

But this jealousy really kills me slowly but sure. I cannot throw away my suspicious to him. I’m trying to believe on what he said that he and his ex are nothing more than just a friend. But once again, I’m trying. I’m trying so hard. But I cannot be like him who always think positive. I’m just ordinary woman who sometimes feel jealous; think the negative side. You know I have no one else but you. I always show the pride to everyone because I have someone like you. And it’s not because you’re Malaysian. Oh come on.. grow up people. Now I closed my heart for others. Because it already yours, honey.

This long distance relationship works for the first month. But now, when it enters the fourth months, I can’t stand it anymore. I’ve been thinking to end this relationship. When something happen to him there, of course I cannot do anything about that, right? And same case goes for me. When I’m in trouble, no one else can help me except myself. Oh God..

I’m trying to remember all my good times with him every time I miss him. I read again all his old messages in my inbox. I read again. And again. And again. I’m trying to feel the emotion again. I’m trying to refresh my mind about what he always been said to me so far. I’m trying to believe on every word that he said on all that messages.

Even when I’m here in Jakarta, he appears every where. Every time I get in busway, I play my mp3 and it plays all of my favorite love songs. The songs which I picked in purpose : to remind me of him. Every time I see old Honda Civic on the road, I remember when I was in that car with him. His car’s number appears as my computer password. I picked my phone provider to 3, because it has the best rate for international calls. And now the same number appears in my business card. I put our picture in my purse to, once again, remind me of him. Remind me of our promise and our commitment. But now suddenly I think.. Oh maaaannn. Am I become too much? Is he really affecting my life that much?

Yeah, I think it’s too much. I don’t even know what’s going on in his side. But in my side, surely I become too much. Yeah. Laugh people, laugh.

And now, I’m preparing all the gifts for him. Because I know this time would be the last time I go to Penang. At least for this year, I can make sure that. But suddenly I feel so useless. This is useless because what was just happened today really ruin my mood.

Does he still love me after 3 months we’re not meet each other? And if he says yes, should I believe on that? In the other hand, do I still love him after all this time? Do I still love him 100% same as I love him 3 months ago? Should I trust my own feelings? What kind of relationship that we actually doing right now??

Damn. I know, guys. I know I become too sensitive right now. Damn.

[Rawamangun, 5 Agustus 2009]

[00.04 am]

Ps : Damn! It’s been a long time for me not updating my blog. And now the first post in August is about him?! Oh maaannnnn..


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